Thursday, November 16, 2006

suffocating

its been a bit since i have posted, the last week has not been good to me, i feel choked, strangled, suffocated, scared,frustrated and feel like the world is closing in on me and cannot breath. i am gay, i have accepted that, i embrace that, its the only thing that makes me feel whole and complete, but while i have accepted that i cannot become that at this time, i am still married and while i am living in the house primarly due to finances, she is acting like everything is good and fine and i have all the memories of the life we had, the life we shared, the good times and the bad, and while that all plays in my mind i have the longings and urgings to run jump spread my wings and fly...........does anybody understand this ......cause i sure don't........i want to be me.....damn that sounds like an old 60's song........but still i just feel like i am dying a slow slow death,............anyone out ther e understand all of this????

6 comments:

The Persian said...

I do my friend, and my heart goes out to you. You are in the toughest of spots for sure, damned if you do, damned if you do not.

I left my wife almost 9 years ago, had two long term live in relationships and now, after all is said and done, I am alone. Sure I can go out, meet people online, I'm in my 30's and yet I am tired of the whole "find your mate" game. It gets old quickly, as do meeting people for "other" reasons.

Just my experiences, for what they are worth.

*hugs*

Stephen said...

My sweet friend, if there is anyone in this world that understands what it is your going through, it is Stephen. My heart breaks as I read the words of your post, I feel your pain. It is hard having to live a life of pain, so others can live a life of happiness. You are in my prayers, hold fast to the truth within, someday your time will come.

santorio said...

two years ago i decided that my marriage had ended. there were some difficult issues and i was tired of playing games. it didn't help of course that we had no sexual relationship. i just couldn't pretend anymore that i was interested in sex with a woman and menopause left her without much interest either.

divorce/separation was out of the question for a number of reasons. after some experimentation, i decided that one-night stands could only be destructive.

the marriage is better now, so i am reconciled to living with this secret. life is, after all, more than just sex.

blogging has been an indispensable help in keeping me sane.

Stephen said...

Hey Buddy, just stopping by on Thanksgiving day to let you know I was thinking about you. May it be filled with love and happiness.

The Persian said...

Happy Thanksgiving my friend, I've been thinking about you.

*hugs*

:)

x said...
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