Monday, May 21, 2007

WE'RE FINISHED

we're finished, these are the words that were said to me in a loud shouting tone on saturday, now let me back up a bit, and please guys, tell me if i am a shit for doing this, i work, work hard and put my whole check in the bank,i get 20.00 per week spending money, or allowance as it is called, she gets the same, we both have part time jobs, her ptj money goes into a seperate account that she uses for concerts, plays her vacation money, what ever, my ptj money goes into the house account for things like replacement of appliances, new tv washer dryer or whatever, i usually get a lump of 1000.00 for the work i perform for a friend that has placed me in the care of her home over last 3 years while she traveled for her job, so, this last time i got 1000.00beginning of the month, but this time i told her i got 500, split it and kept 1/2 for things like new running shoes, clothes as we all know that us gay men need our clothes, and i havn't bought anything new in several years. thought i had it licked, then we got into an arugment about money, the house and how i don't do anything, and she mentioned about the check, for 1000, and of course i said 500, and she screamed .........i had the fucking check in my wallet and she went through it...........so in reading all this am i a shit or are we both.....should i give her the money or keep it, i don't know what to do, i trust your guys opinions as alot of us are going through the same kinda things right now

7 comments:

Lacey said...

as long as you're married, everything should be 50/50. Sorry.

daveincleveland said...

with that being said, i made close to 60k last year and she made under 30k,about year ago she took joint credit cards with interest and balance transfered into 0% cards in my name, she keeps the check book and questions when i need a check......is that 50/50

manxxman said...

Dave,

Your lives are no longer 50/50. You have to set up new rules. She has decided that she is going on a vacation. What the vacation is free, doesn't cost any money?

You also mention in this blog that you both have ptj's, will if she's not willing to put her money in the joint account why should she expect you to?

You give in on so many things (this is true for a lot of gay married men) out of guilt and just to make your life a bit "eaiser". Unfortunately you've created a pattern which if you don't follow is going to upset her (i.e. wanting to keep and of the ptj money you earned).

Yelling back at her only escelates the debat......one which she is experienced at winning. Don't fall into that trap. Being reasonable, firm but quiet will throw her off her "game plan".

Keep blogging Dave......I think it helps you clear out your head.

All the best,

Mark

Lacey said...

Dave, really, I'm on your side. But it doesn't matter who makes how much, or who spends, or who doesn't. You CHOOSE to be married and in a marriage, it's 50/50. If you don't like the terms and conditions, then break the contract. Or take a long hard look in the mirror. Why do you stay? Sounds like you're both miserable. Dave, you need to grow a set, and start living your life.

I know where of I speak.

Wayne said...

Dave, all relationships are give and take. And when one feels they are giving more than their share, that's when problems arise. If the 2 of you can't work out an agreeable arrangement with the money, than it's not a working relationship. And you need to decide where to go from there.

lifescolorfulbrushstrokes said...

Dave...
I'm a carry-over from Bigg's blog...I can't say I share the same life experiences as you given I have never been married. Just merely a late bloomer in the gay community so to speak. But I am from a large family where a good chuck of the siblings are married. I have to say to some extent I agree with Lacey's comment about a 50/50 relationship but I do recognize that often there is a breaking point or a point of imbalance in a relationship. And to that point I think wayne states it quite eloquently. I am a firm believer that at some point someone in the relationship has to step up and throw away the 'tit-for-tat' responses in order to move on by the state of the relationship.

Michael in Norfolk said...

Dave,

I don't know how you have remained in the same house for 2 years. I did it for 10 months and the tension was terrible. I finally moved out - I was told go back in the closet forever or get out, and I chose the latter. If things are as hostile as you describe, I cannot believe staying together is good for either of you. Having less things but being finally able to be who you are is beyond price.

As for the finances, do NOT let her load all the debt onto you. I know it's easy to let it happen, especially if you feel you are the cause of the marriage dying (been there and done that). Ultimately it will (1) ruin you financially and (2) cause her to never go about become independent.

I am in the midst of a nasty divorce with a woman with a masters degree and 59 hours toward a PhD and she simply refuses to get a real job. The youngest child is 18, so she doesn't have any excuse other than not wanting to work. I know all to well how the scorned wife can react.