its back in time, 1977 planning a wedding, caterers, apartment shopping, everything is a whirlwind, she smiles, all the time, she has a beautiful smile, in my mind thinking, well getting married, now everyone will be happy, her parents love me, i love them, my mother, well thats another story, she always had a feeling, feeling about people, her and my mother never got along, not until my mom got sick and was diagnosed with terminal cancer, my mom, perhaps my best friend, gone in 6 weeks........what was i thinking back then, i had a friend where i worked at the time, kept thinking damn he is so hot..................asked him to be my best man............i knew then, i knew before then, why, why did i marry her, oh wait, i can keep this secret, its not so hard, i will share everything in life with her, except my little secret, oh the tangled webs we weave thinking we can pull one over on someone...........
i could only imagine telling people about my secret back in 1977...........probably would be burned at the stake...............who knew back then the incredible pain and hurt that i would cause, who knew back then how it would affect my yet to be named children........who knew back then i would be seeking ways to end it all..............who knew
9 comments:
Know what buddy, you can't beat yourself up over this anymore. The year 1977 is not 2007 and you are right, burned at the stake was the order of the day back when. You can't be angry at a scared kid for the mistake he made out of fear. You can't be angry with him for having feelings he did not really understand and most of all you can't be angry with him for trying to the things he thought were best for his family.
Steven.
With Steven on this. Time to look forward and see what can be built!
As one who reads your blog, and as one who has "done the right thing" by getting married...twice...I understand your thoughts....but these two are right..looking to the future is the only way to do this....if not I don't know what I would do myself....give yourself permissions to forgive yourself...
Yeah, Dave, it's OK to look back from time to time, but don't wallow in it.
I did the same thing in 1980, so I know how you feel.
But that was then, this is now...
We often look back and wonder, what if I had done this and ask ourselves why, we ask ourselves how in the heck did I end up here, we ask ourselves if we will ever find happiness surrounded by all this pain. Well, sweet friend, the answer is yes, I believe we will, look forward to the future, your future, your happiness is just around the bend.
hey dave,
it really sounds like you weren't trying to intentionally hurt anyone. and hopefully everyone involved will soon realize that if they haven't already.
if you didn't try to move forward with your life, then that would be intentionally prolonging the hurt. at least now everyone has a point from which they can move on.
I never look back to the past, only forward to the future.
Wth tons of optimisim.
Go easy sweetheart. Like many, I know where you're coming from. Been there, did that.
But if we get stuck in "what if", we will miss "what is."
The serenity prayer helps.
not sure there will be a what is
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