Friday, April 27, 2007
blame
lately i have been thinking much about blame, blame for my daughters fact she doesn't have a boyfriend, blame for my wifes health issues, blame for my sons drug problems and keep going in circles that maybe if i wern't gay none of this would have happened...its as if God is punishing me for being the miserable sinner that i am....now i find out yesterday that word on the street is that my job has been offered by one of the owners to another service manager at another dealership, while denied by said owner, how secure do i feel now?...another punishment of God..so this is how my week is ending, getting tired, so tired of feeling like everything is my fault, that i am the reason for all this hell........sometimes is wonder if its all worth it.....
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5 comments:
Hey,
Been there, done that. Being the father of two.....although I am relatively lucky.....no problems from them. But I have always been the bread winner. And I have to win a lot of bread to keep my wagon rolling......(sometimes it feels like it's rolling downhill like a run away train). I had a very well paying job, which after 12 years went to the bosses son (who knew). I had to remake myself, while still keeping the bread wagon going. It was a real drain on the soul. And believe me I asked the same questions you are asking now. But I always took heart in one thing. God doesn't make junk. He's put us all here for some purpose.
Keep the chin up. Eamil me if you want......you need friends on your side right now.
All the very very best.
i've been reading your blog off and on for some time; from across the country, i think.
there are so many common threads with your story and the others i read/write.
really difficult when the stress at work competes with the stress at home. i'm impressed with your "up" posts; i hope you re-read them from time to time, ii think they affirm that you are essentially healthy and hopeful.
Guilt and blame are the worst parts of this whole coming out process. I've been through that part and occationally I slip back into it. What I try to remember is that I got to where I am without any malice. I didn't intentionally get married to hurt my wife, I loved her. I didn't have children because I was going to divorce my wife at some point and because I was gay, I had children because I wanted them and I love them. Do I wish I could have avoided hurting them all, of course, but this is where I am and all I can do now is promise to be there for all of them for whatever they need.
Sorry for the lengthy comment, but I'm going through the same things.
God I know about the stress at home, the stress at work, stress of the known, stress of the unknown and how it can get you down. No matter what you do, it's going to happen, stress gets to all of us from time to time but when it does always remember there are friends that care.
I know I'm behind in reading your blog, but I can completely relate on this point. Basically anything that happens bad, right down to stubbing my toe, I blame on my sexuality and God's complete disappointment in me.
I can't offer a lot of hope, but I can say I'm right there in the mud puddle with ya.
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