Thursday, October 04, 2007

LONLINESS

i have discovered, while on this wonderful,wacky,sad journey that i am on, that while i am surrounded by people, friends at church, co-workers, future mrs ex and kids, that i am very very lonely, there is no one to hug, no one to kiss, no one to say i love you to, no one to tell me i am loved, no one to hug at night and cuddle with,wrap my arms around and comfort, be comforted, while i am getting comfortable and content with who i am becoming there is no one to share it with....tired of living in the house, tired of working where i work, even worshipping with the music team on sundays has become an effort, and music is one of my first joys, i am just getting tired, not sure what to do, where to go, how to get there, of if i should even bother................

9 comments:

One Half said...

That feeling of alone was one of the worst things for me whe we divorced. I finally bought a big long pillow to have something to hold at night since I didn't have anyone. Give it time, you'll find someone.

I also understand hating all the places you are. I went back to school and made a whole career change. Good luck. Email if you want to talk.

Lewis said...

I remember the very day that I went over to the house of the only gay people I knew. I laid on their couch, cried, and said "I don't know how much longer I can do this." It was the truth. And it didn't last too much longer. Check it out:

http://spiritofsaintlewis.blogspot.com/2006/11/knot.html

Creative Thinker said...

You do have someone out there who cares about you and loves you. Sending you a great big hug. Hang in there, sweetie...

Journeyman said...

After all the beautiful and encouraging gifts you have left at my blog, it only seems right to stop by your place and offer the same. Do you know that you have been a huge part of my journey, that you kept me going on those days when I wanted to quit, though we have never met?

I can relate to those feelings of no one to just 'be' with, no one to hold, no one to wipe away the tears that sometimes won't stop. But I know you have the strength to keep moving forward. It will change, my friend. This will only last for a season.

manxxman said...

Dave,

Life can be so painful at times. But you understand you can no longer live with the pain and frustration of pretending to be straight. I don't know how you do it but you need to gather a support group around you. You have many many blogging friends, but you also need physical friends. Friends you can trust. Start looking out for them, they are there......it takes a bit of work on your part......but it's worth the time invested.

Look into PFLAG, there must be one in Cleveland.....

We are all thinking about you....

Mark

Nate said...

This little post caught me because it is the essance of where I am at. I have recently met a person who I try to spend one night a week with, usually not sleeping much. Last week he was tired and crashed and I lay next to him, touching him, for hours and it was in some strange way as comforting as sex. And then last night, I found myself watching TV with my future ex, doing this for the first time in a long time and just laying on opposite edges of a king sized bed still gave a sense of connection.

I will leave the wisdom and encouragement to the previous comments. I share your fear, I intellectually realize that we will both move on and succeed, but that is just hard to believe some days.

Thanks for the post - I was feeling isolated today and you touched me.

Geoff said...

Sometimes we don't 'feel' loved but the truth is, you obviously 'ARE' loved. Get out in the sun...don't become complacent in areas of your life that are unhappy. Getting out and moving will help more than you realize right now. You're on the right path don't let the uphill part of this journey defeat you.

Steven said...

Thinking of you Dave as you go through thhis phase of loneliness; which it is only that. Happiness will find its way into your life.

RB said...

It's so hard...especially for older gay guys. It's a culture of youth and desire. The older guys shun each other while continuing an often futile quest for the boy.

Look past the exterior...you're an intelligent guy...seek out the same and ignore the signs of age.

I often wonder what's going to happen to me in terms of companionship as I grow older.