Monday, February 04, 2008
pointless time
i've been told that i need to post, but the mind is numb,blank, can barely get through the day just concentrating on work, much less this lowly blah personal life, (almost said worthless) but i didn't, nothing has changed and am finally realizing that if anything is going to change i am the one who must do it..........but i still go back to the bottom line is that i am the cause of all this, and its all my fault...........oh god here i go whining again, sorry, but still think i am going to hurt her by leaving, but bottom line is she i feel is already hurt, and probably over it at this point....i don't know i just don't know, kinda like staying in my room all night.........me and th dog and my tv.............oh well................
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5 comments:
You sound "stuck". Happens to everyone, you're not unusual.
Only you can decide when to unstick yourself. Many go their whole lives stuck (call in the closet) but you decided you didn't want to suffocate. I have a "her" also. I know what feeling guilty feels like. Once I did move out and move on all of a sudden she felt freed also. We get along really well now (I'm lucky.....although Geoff isn't too thrilled about it).
Keep working on freeing yourself, there is life out there. We are all here for you. BUT....you have to do the "unsticking" part.
Dave, you did not do anything out of malice, forgive yourself. The old days were bad, I understand that, you were trying to do the right thing but did not know what that was. Hugs buddy, keep going, it will get better.
Steven
Dave, You are stuck on the guilt plateau where I existed for a long, long time. It is a dark and dismal place as I well know.
What you need to understand is that the situation is not "your fault." It took me a long time to finally internalize that fact.
The true fault lies with the fucked up society we live in where people like you and me did what we thought was expected by family, church and society and tried our very best. Eventually, the point comes where you and me (and I suspect thousands and thousands of others) just cannot keep up the act, role play or whatever you want to call it.
I think manxxman is right. You should find some way to move out so that both of you can move on. And you need to stop beating yourself up. In my view, you are a victim as is your wife of a screwed up society that did not allow people to just be who God made them to be.
Call me if you want to talk. xoxox
You gotta do it... You know you gotta...
I am so glad I found your blog. would you mind if I listed your blog on mine? http://kidsofqueers.blogspot.com/
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